Truth Tuesday

This is a hard post to write.  Mostly because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior.  It's easier to just keep everything inside but I suppose that isn't a good idea.

The love of my life doesn't live in my house anymore.  He's just a visitor on the weekends.  It breaks my heart to my very soul.  It means that when we're together I can't even enjoy the time we have.  Mostly because I'm exhausted emotionally but also because I'm numb and raw from missing him. I don't want to be without him.

I subconsciously just try to start a fight with him because its so much easier to be angry when he's leaving than be heartbroken.  I become cold.  I don't hug him goodbye or kiss him or tell him I love him when its time to go.  I know that if I do my voice will crack and the floodgates will open and my world will fall apart... and I have a baby to take care of.

A baby who misses her dad so much that she is permanently glued to my arms.  She screams the first day of the week that he is gone... non. stop. She points to the garage door and SCREAMS for a good 30 minutes, if we go out to the garage she'll point to the empty space and scream.  I stepped outside with her to check on something and she screamed for another 30 minutes.  You never know what is going to trigger her. As soon as I walk in the door from work she comes running, climbs in my arms and squeezes with all of her might until its time for bed.  When she wakes up she cries and its a scramble to get in my arms and that's where she'll stay.  Let me help you understand.  I can not put her down for a second. Not to go to the bathroom, not to change my clothes, not to do anything or its a freak-out fest. I even get up in the morning, do my hair and makeup for work and then go back to bed until she wakes, knowing I can't put her down later.  

I've never seen her like this.  But I understand her pain.  So I love her, I do the best I can to comfort her, we try to do activities to get our mind off of things. And slowly as the week moves on there are moments that she'll let go and play.  

When I'm around people that ask how things are going, I just don't want to talk about it.  Nothing is going to change, there are no solutions right now, we just have to get through this.

God can allow you to pass through storms and get to your success. But what the devil loves to do is to make you not to realize that the storm is over. 

Update: I did better this time with hubby leaving... I just hope baby J joins me in this change.

You're Baby is Small

This comment I hate more than anything.  My baby is NOT small, in fact she is in the 98% for height and 87% for weight.  No she doesn't have rolls of fat on her... but she is lean, solid and very muscular. Yet we constantly hear "Your baby is so little". I wonder if the people saying this have any idea how big a baby is supposed to be? I never respond to that comment but I promise you it cuts to my core.

Why does this bother me so much?  Because when you have made a commitment to exclusively breastfeed your baby its rough in the beginning, your baby loses weight while you're waiting for the milk to come in.  I took my baby to the hospital daily for a week after she was born. She had trouble gaining until my milk came in and she lost 20% of her birth weight.  By the way, this is completely normal but scary for a new mom.  Your entire job after that is just to make sure you are feeding enough to your baby.  There is no sleeping through the night because its a chance to get extra calories into her growing body.  It's a job that consumes you.

Breastfed babies are completely different than formula fed in how they gain weight... in fact there is a different chart used to track their growth until they are 2 years old.  She doesn't eat sugar, or fillers, or processed foods.  She only drinks water and Goat's milk. She is a strong healthy girl.

I just wonder how those moms would feel if I started saying "Your baby is huge"?  I'm pretty sure it would hurt their feelings as well.  There is nothing wrong with my baby, she is perfect in every way... If you don't believe me, just ask her grandparents.

Truth - Communication

I decided that every so often I'm going to try and right more about the "truth".  About what our struggles were in the first year of having a new baby and being newlyweds. I think its something most people don't talk about and sometimes you wonder if you're the only one experiencing these feelings.  What I have found is, your not.  I used to read the other mom blogs and think, they have it all together! Maybe I'm not cut out for this. But the truth is, Yes I am.  I am an amazing mother. But I want to be honest and share the struggles too.  It's really all about balance.

No matter how many articles you read, or questions you ask, nothing prepares you for parenthood.  Your life will never be the same and the changes will be immeasurable.  At times, its incredibly hard.  You feel like you’re just digging in and hanging on for awhile, whether it be teething, sickness, just waiting for them to get a little bit older or waiting for them to actually sleep through the night….

It’s been extremely hard on us to say the least, but you know, I think Mr H. would agree, we’ve gotten stronger, we’ve learned to communicate better, we’ve become each other’s best friends (more than we were before), we know everything about each other, we lean on each other in every situation, we’re really a team and we both know the journey it’s been to get here because we did it together.  Every battle I went through, whether it was breastfeeding or sleepless nights, he has been there every step of the way.  He knows me better than I know myself.  For that I’m thankful. 

I know what it’s like to be a new mom that feels incredibly alone at times and I encourage you to talk to someone. You’ll find out its completely normal. (My inbox is always open.)  Then tell your partner how you feel.  It is so important to communicate what is going on.  Even if its, “Hey honey, I’m feeling really disconnected from you.”  Because you will.  Then work together to make changes that feel better.  Don’t wait.  Don’t internalize. Talk about it immediately so there is a resolution and you can be the best team for your kids.

“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
― Milton Berle