Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Truth Tuesday

This is a hard post to write.  Mostly because I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my behavior.  It's easier to just keep everything inside but I suppose that isn't a good idea.

The love of my life doesn't live in my house anymore.  He's just a visitor on the weekends.  It breaks my heart to my very soul.  It means that when we're together I can't even enjoy the time we have.  Mostly because I'm exhausted emotionally but also because I'm numb and raw from missing him. I don't want to be without him.

I subconsciously just try to start a fight with him because its so much easier to be angry when he's leaving than be heartbroken.  I become cold.  I don't hug him goodbye or kiss him or tell him I love him when its time to go.  I know that if I do my voice will crack and the floodgates will open and my world will fall apart... and I have a baby to take care of.

A baby who misses her dad so much that she is permanently glued to my arms.  She screams the first day of the week that he is gone... non. stop. She points to the garage door and SCREAMS for a good 30 minutes, if we go out to the garage she'll point to the empty space and scream.  I stepped outside with her to check on something and she screamed for another 30 minutes.  You never know what is going to trigger her. As soon as I walk in the door from work she comes running, climbs in my arms and squeezes with all of her might until its time for bed.  When she wakes up she cries and its a scramble to get in my arms and that's where she'll stay.  Let me help you understand.  I can not put her down for a second. Not to go to the bathroom, not to change my clothes, not to do anything or its a freak-out fest. I even get up in the morning, do my hair and makeup for work and then go back to bed until she wakes, knowing I can't put her down later.  

I've never seen her like this.  But I understand her pain.  So I love her, I do the best I can to comfort her, we try to do activities to get our mind off of things. And slowly as the week moves on there are moments that she'll let go and play.  

When I'm around people that ask how things are going, I just don't want to talk about it.  Nothing is going to change, there are no solutions right now, we just have to get through this.

God can allow you to pass through storms and get to your success. But what the devil loves to do is to make you not to realize that the storm is over. 

Update: I did better this time with hubby leaving... I just hope baby J joins me in this change.

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